fidget spinners

One of my sons had a birthday last week, and our neighbour brought him over a gift while he was sleeping. When he saw it the next morning, his brown eyes ignited, the smile stretched across his face as he excitedly talked about finally owning his very own fidget spinner.

For the uninitiated here’s my best fidget-spinner explanation: It’s a piece of metal somehow connected at the centre, and the blades spin fast. This is apparently a source of endless fascination for children, or at the very least, a good source of income for toymakers.

But for my son, this red, white and blue piece of metal is something else entirely. He leaned over to me and whispered in awe, I’ve been wishing for one of these, Mommy. 

Wanting to understand what he meant, I prodded. He had never asked us for one. This was my first time to hear of it. Fidget spinners, it turns out, are a popular commodity at school. Several of the boys in his class have them, he’s been watching them for weeks and the seed of desire grew in his heart. Even though he didn’t tell us, he wanted one.

See, I smiled at him, God knows – but the words stuck in my throat, silencing me. I started talking without thinking, and I could feel grown-up fear fighting the words back down.

You can’t tell him that God gives him what he wants, what if he grows up thinking he’s entitled to whatever he wishes for.

He can’t remember the days without end, and the answers were always, always, “No.”  You can’t tempt him to believe otherwise.

You can’t teach him to expect good things when you know bad things are always around the corner.

But I ran my fingers through his brown hair, looked in his eyes, and pressed into territory that feels dangerous and somehow wild and unknown.

God knows what you want before you even say it, I said, he loves giving you good things. 

 

A small postscript: I have not done much research into fidget spinners, but I appreciated the thoughts in this article, “What the fidget spinners fad reveals about disability discrimination.” It’s well worth the read, we all need to be more sensitive, knowledgeable and helpful toward adults and children in our lives whose minds are different from ours.
This post is day 31. New to the series? Start here. And if you want hundreds of other great 31 Days topics, you can find them here.

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Here we are at the end of October. A friend of mine told me I forgot to blog yesterday, and I didn’t even realize it. My sister, Husband and I were watching the season finale of Masterchef Australia, which is officially the best TV show in the whole entire world. Apparently I completely forgot to write for day 30, or maybe I’m running out of things to say about transition? I don’t think so, but life in yet another new country, one where we have to work on a visa, and look for a place to live and a car to drive, is proving to be a handful and a mind-full.

I’m going to keep this conclusion short and sweet. Thank you so much for reading along this month. October for the past few years has been all about blogging daily, and it’s been a space for me to work out my process. I always appreciate anyone who listens along and adds their own thoughts, and you’ve done that for me.

I have a feeling I’ll be writing about transition for many more days to come in the next months, so I’m sure you will see more Falling Forward posts in the future.

In the mean time, I want to leave you with two 31 Days series that have blessed my heart immensely.

Leslie of Scraping Raisins has been writing 31 Days of Re-entry, it is the perfect companion series to the one I’ve been writing on transition. Reading Leslie’s words has been like reading my own mind as I’ve gone through re-entry in the past (and now).

Shelly Miller has been writing 31 Letters from London, it’s her unfiltered thoughts about living as a foreigner in London and the ways God has met her there. Day after day I read her words, and it was like God’s words to me. This series has been the perfect devotional companion for me during my own transition.

Hopefully I’ll be able to keep writing in the weeks to come. My plan is to blog on Monday and Friday every week, so that’s when you can expect posts in your mailbox if you are a subscriber, and if you aren’t, check in here on those days.

Have a lovely weekend, my friends. Wherever you are and whatever you are facing, may you experience the deep peace of knowing you are in the presence of Jesus.

This post is day 27. New to the series? Start here. Thanks to all of you who have shared these posts and commented, I so appreciate it. Do say hello if you’ve been reading or are new. It would be lovely to meet you. If you want hundreds of other great 31 Days topics, you can find them here.

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This is the thing about our transition, I lose my perspective so easily.

Just this past weekend I felt discouraged. Why are we in Melbourne? When is our life going to get started? How much longer can I survive with two pairs of jeans? What’s the deal with all my first-world problems? These are the questions of  the In Between, the space when there are no real answers, only lots and lots of questions. This is the bridge between the past and the future, it is shaky, rickety and narrow, and I am crossing over a ravine with rocks and raging rapids.

It feels like any decision made too quickly or incorrectly is going to send me hurtling off the edge.

A bit dramatic, no? I suppose these are the delusional feelings of a mother who traveled half-way around the world on Wednesday and Thursday only to have her kids wake up to party from midnight to 4am on Friday night, only to then have gastro hit an entire household on Saturday evening. I suppose no one is thinking rationally after they’ve cared for a puking child only to then be sick herself half a day later. But it’s true. This is what I felt on Sunday. Why are we here? Nothing is getting done. We have so much to do. 

But then it was Monday, and I photocopied official documents, went to the Police Department for certification and then to Medicare, and in a few hours my kids and I have healthcare again. Just like that. And then I heard my sister say that we had been in the country for four days.

Four days. Really? I wondered because it felt like an eternity or nothingness and discouragement and illness.

But it wasn’t.

When you see life through the wrong perspective, everything, absolutely everything, will seem like it is against you. 

Because here is the truth. In four days we opened a bank account, struggled with jet lag, nursed a sick child and our own sick selves and sorted out health care for our entire family. Nevermind the cooking, cleaning, clothing, laundry and the everyday care for adults and children. We didn’t do any of this alone, we have help because we have family here, amazing family and friends. And underneath all of this are the everlasting arms that carry us home, the hands of God who doesn’t always take away the problem (even when I begged every hour from midnight to 4am), but somehow gives grace to get through and promises and delivers his presence. This grace looks like my sister who cooks and cares for my boys, and this grace also looks like a virus running its course and leaving. Sometimes grace is just surviving a night and knowing that now it is day. Only 12 more hours before bedtime.

Life is moving forward, and life is good even when it is hard. This is the truth. And it is encouragement, it is joy, it is hope.

Now it’s your turn: Whatever stage of transition you are in right now, if you are discouraged, please take a moment and write down what it is that is true. What have you missed in your own story? How is grace holding you up even when it seems like there is pain or when things are not going the way you want it to?

transition

This post is day 24. New to the series? Start here. Today’s guest post is by my dear friend Ursula. I met her in the first two weeks of life in Sweden, and over time she became one of my most-treasured friends in Stockholm. I’ve learned to pay attention when I meet people who are full of wisdom and grace, and Ursula is all of those things and a whole lot more. I am so thankful for her friendship and for these wise, beautiful words she shares here about a different kind of transition. Ursula doesn’t have a blog, so comment and share your thanks with her and encourage her to start a blog of her own, we would all benefit from it.

Ursula Morell is a grateful child of God, living in Stockholm, Sweden with my amazing husband of 25 years. She’s a transitioning mother working through the kids in college stage, a coffee-addict, introvert and project-person. She is learning to trust God with her kids all over again.

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All photographs by Kylie Jacques

All text by Ursula Morell
I sit silent and still, attentively focused on the events unfolding. I could be watching the evening news or taking in a therapy session. But no, this is a joyous event: a wedding. And I, the mother of the groom, am nearly emotionless. Behind dry eyes and unsmiling face, I am perplexed.

I watch as my firstborn takes his long-­time girlfriend’s hand in his, and slips a white­-gold ring onto her finger. I look at their smiles, their 20-something fearlessness mixed with the excitement of fully leaving their families, and melding into a new family, one they have chosen. They ask God’s blessing. A song begins.

The box of Kleenex placed thoughtfully by my chair sits unused. I realize this is a repeat of all his other firsts in life. He, eager and excited, and me, paralyzed, fearful and anxious. It doesn’t matter if I’m sitting in a mini­van at a soccer game or on a flower-ensconced chair at a wedding. Instead of these being moments of joy for me, I am fearful, ruminating over my performance and worrying if he will be able to “do this thing.”

Like his other firsts, I have hovered over the details, and numbed my fears with planning and prepping. I’ve read books and sought advice. The wedding day is progressing smoothly—so smoothly that, as I sit and listen to the song, I find myself forced to deal with my emotions.

I have held my breath through his firsts: first steps, first days of school, first camps, and
first performances. I’ve spent his lifetime worrying if he will succeed, preemptively teaching and preparing him for anything he could face. I’ve laughed at the notion of helicopter moms, all the while playing the lead role in my own homegrown show.

ursula 4

Numb, I watch God’s greatest gift unfold before my eyes: my son leaving and cleaving, two vowing to become one. They light their unity candle, then hold hands throughout the song. I watch and suddenly a dark curtain in my mind is torn in two. The light shines in. My paralyzed feeling has a name: fearful insufficiency. I know I have not taught my 23-year-old everything he needs to know to love his wife well. I know he leaves his clothes on the floor and dishes in the sink. I know he is going to fail, and hurt, and disappoint. I imagine a future of slammed doors and piercing silence and confusion and difficulty in finding words to explain.

I am afraid.

In the mess in my heart, I know: Yes, yes, yes. My son is not enough. Just like me. I think, then, of the Israelites when they first saw the promised land. They faced those same paralyzing fears. In their “first look,” 12 men spied out the land, saw what lay ahead, and returned to camp to inform the people. It was a good land: bountiful harvests and plenty to go around. But 10 of the 12 spies focused on the bad news: giants inhabited the land. The Israelites considered this and thought, “Who are we? Insufficient. Small. Incapable.” Only two men believed God would go before them and give them grace and strength in the trials.

The song is done, the service almost over. I fidget with my dark blue dress, smoothing out the wrinkles. I realize that I have spent so much of my life hanging out with the 10 who focus on the fear and choose the safety of what they know, who see only their limitations, and not God’s character. Who tremble in fear and let it overshadow God’s plan.

ursula joe

Yet, all the years of my own marriage, hasn’t God been strong on my behalf? Didn’t he
take a couple of 20-­somethings some 25 years ago down that same aisle and say those same vows? Didn’t He give words to feelings I couldn’t explain, in dark nights as I cried out in insufficiency? Didn’t grace pour out in our feeble attempts at forgiveness? Yes, God has been faithful, even when I was full of doubt.

Tears well up in my eyes. I find myself not looking to my son for reassurance that he has
got this, but rather, to God. The God of my life is the God of my son’s life. The grace that
has led me through the past 25 years of marriage, will lead my son and new daughter-in-law through their days. God has this, has them. Always will. He is able.

My son and his wife take their first steps down the aisle together, into their promised land, and I whisper, “Go, it’s yours!” There will be walled cities and conflicts sleepless nights and cries for wisdom. There will be victories and joy. Lots of joy.

Numbness flees as joy fills my heart. Tears flood my eyes.

I see the new couple rejoicing, far ahead of me, already in the entry of the church. I stand up from my front-­row seat, and the usher motions me that it is time to move on.

This post is day 22. New to the series? Start here. Thanks to all of you who have shared these posts and commented, I so appreciate it. Do say hello if you’ve been reading or are new. It would be lovely to meet you. We are somewhere in the air between Europe and Australia today, so do keep us in your prayers if that is your thing. The posts are scheduled for the next few days, but if there are some computer glitches it may interfere with posting. Moderating comments will also take a bit longer than normal. Please keep checking in to see. And if you want hundreds of other great 31 Days topics, you can find them here.
air travel
We have been flying with our boys since Big Boy was three months old. They have flown on numerous one and two-hour flights within Europe, and we have traveled as a family to and from Europe to Sri Lanka and Australia three times. The last trip to Australia, I flew with them on my own first to Sri Lanka and then to Australia.

Still I do not consider myself an expert on this subject. I have many opinions, yes, but I think our boys are fairly low maintenance when it comes to flying. It could be that they are obsessed with airplanes and all modes of transportation in general (most of which, except for boats, can be found at an airport), or it could be that I have an irrational amount of enthusiasm when it comes to family flights.

I grew up traveling, and the moving part was always stressful, but the flying part was fun. It started at the airport when we all breathed a collective sigh of relief that the packing was done, the bags were through, and now we get to explore. My dad would show us the airplanes, we counted take offs and landings and watched airport TV (we didn’t have one in our home).

On the plane there were movies to watch, and this was before personal TV screens, and airplane food to eat. It all seemed so glamorous. But more than that, my parents were always cheerful on flights, I have no memories of any family fighting or annoyances when we were on an airplane, and on the contrary, they are some of my happiest, adventure-filled memories.

So after that long preamble, here are some tips, and as always, please chime in in the comments with tips of your own.

Watch Your Attitude

Our kids pick up on our attitude. If you are anxious, they will be anxious. If you are worried, they will react to this stress. There’s nothing wrong with experiencing anxiety or worry or fear when flying, this is totally normal, but find a way to deal with it. Talk to someone before the flight. Pray. Have a list of truths you meditate on. Choose to engage with your kids. Watch airplanes take off and land. Skip trying to read your magazine in peace, and wander around with them. My guess is you have absolutely nothing to do in the airport except be there. Be all there. Enjoy yourself. Make the trip something fun and exciting for them, you don’t need any toys or gadgets to get them through this. The airport, however boring and un-kid-friendly it may be, provides enough distractions on its own. Look an escalator! Look a moving pavement! Let’s go up and down it! Look lots of airplanes! Let’s sit and watch! I may or may not have uttered all of those statements at some point or another when I was flying alone with the boys to Australia.

Pack the Right Supplies for You

You know you and you know your kids, so pack accordingly. Messes don’t really bother me, so I don’t take lots of changes of clothes. And for some reason, my kids are not incredibly messy. Little Bear managed to get his pack of water open and spill half of it on himself while I was getting his brother’s food ready, but it was water, and he was wearing fleece pants. Fleece dries very quickly, I discovered, and now fleece is his flying uniform.

I pack one change of clothes for them, so an extra t-shirt and pants, an extra set of underwear for my oldest, and lots of diapers and wipes. I pack usually an extra shirt for me, but I wear dark jeans or black pants and just let that be. I pack a notebook each for the boys, a box of crayons or colouring pens, and a lot of stickers. The stickers I found got me through some of the toughest times in the airport (waiting in line to board the plane when there is no priority boarding for families for example). But the one thing you don’t want is to be overloaded with stuff on the plane. If you are traveling alone, it is a monumental hassle to schlep the stuff around plus the kids, and regardless, it is simply too much to sort through even when you are on the plane. I did take an iPad, but only Little Bear used it for a few minutes because…

Screen Time

On airplanes my answer is basically yes, yes, yes ofcourse and yes WOULDYOULIKEACRACKERWITHTHAT? We gave our kids no screen time in the airport, that was for running around, eating and whining, but on the plane they could watch as many movies as they wanted. Big Boy fell asleep for the night watching a movie. We didn’t even have to “put him to sleep.” On our 14-hour flight from Melbourne to Dubai, he woke up halfway through his sleep, and we put another movie on and he fell asleep again within 30 minutes. My boys are so different though, and their ages make their attitudes to screens very different. Little Bear will watch something for 10 minutes, and oh how I desperately tried to get him into Nemo! And Baloo the bear! And all kinds of cheery animals! But he spent most of his time bouncing on the seat. Big Boy though, it was like having a zoned out teenager next to me who held out his hand mindlessly every now and then to ask for a snack.

air travel 2

A long leash

Not the real kind. I give my kids a lot of freedom in airports and airplanes as long as they are in my sight and not trying to open an airplane door. A lot of freedom. Bounce on a chair? Yes. Stand on the tray table? No problem. Walk up and down the aisles as much as you want? BEMYGUEST. Up to the point that they are becoming a nuisance to someone else or breaking something, I let them do whatever they want. This was more appropriate for my two-year-old because as previously mentioned, the four-year-old was glued to his screen. It helped him maintain a cheerful attitude to just be able to do what he wanted on the flight. So far we have only had wonderful experiences with fellow passengers, many of them have even engaged our kids in play and talked to them. I would do differently if there was someone who clearly was unhappy about Little Bear trying to play peekaboo over the edge of the seat (or something else).

Pack food

I packed about 20 fruit pouches or fruit and yoghurt pouches (that were 100ml or under), rice crackers and something else that I cannot remember. For our trip to Australia this week, I have apple rings, dried mango, nuts, a variety of crackers and salami sticks. Because I discovered on our last trip that my oldest doesn’t really eat plane food. We will be traveling for about 24 hours straight, including one 14 hour flight, so we know we need enough food on hand for our kids if they end up refusing to eat their food. While it is definitely worth it to stand my ground at our dinner table when I have fussy kids, I choose my battles when I am thousands of feet off the ground. And in a closed space. My kid and I do not need a control battle over food in an airplane.

Try to sleep

As tempting as it is to want to watch a movie myself when my kids start sleeping, I still think choosing sleep is the best idea. The toughest part about flying, for me, isn’t the flight, it’s the part on the other side. When my kids don’t sleep enough. Or are stressed out about the new environment. Or are still too tired. And there are no more fun and exciting diversions. I need to be as well rested as possible to be able to handle them if they fall apart.

Have a set up on the other side

We learned this our first trip to Australia simply because we didn’t realize our baby would want to go to sleep in a real crib when we landed. Always have something set up in the place where you are headed. Communicate clearly with the people you are going to see to make sure that at least your kids have a crib or a bed somewhere in case they need to go straight to sleep. Try to have one or two toys that someone has borrowed for you on hand. It has been wonderful for us to have our families at the end of our trips, they have helped us and carried the load of child care from the beginning. And cooked us good food.

Now it’s your turn: What are your best air travel tips? Let’s hear them. 

transition